Shattering the Soul
by Rat Mouse
Summary: There were many more of us when we started out our journey. Now, after nine winters, there are only seventeen of us. Seventeen out of thirty-nine, twenty-two have fallen and I wonder if I am to be the next.


Disclaimer: Movie characters are obviously not mine, the others however are save their names. The names are from legend.

Griflet has been bound by a decision made years ago but refuses to be slave to it for the love of brotherhood and unflinching loyalty to a commander that refuses to be anything less than extraordinary.

* * *

**Shattering the Soul**

There were many more of us when we started out our journey. Now, after nine winters, there are only seventeen of us. Seventeen out of thirty-nine, twenty-two have fallen and I wonder if I am to be the next.

* * *

"_Grifith" I whispered as I crept across the ger towards his pallet. My only answer was his racking cough. "Grifith" I tried again as I reached his side and was rewarded by two gray eyes staring back up at me. _

"_What?" my twin growled out in irritation at me but still held up his blankets and furs for me to crawl under with him._

"_What will happen when the Romans come for you?"_

"_I will go with them" he told me solemnly._

_Concern flashed into my eyes "but what if you are still ill?"_

"_I will go with them" Grifith repeated._

"_You will die" It wasn't a question, I knew it and so did he._

"_Everyone dies someday" he seemed resigned to his fate_

"_no" I pleaded with him"I don't want you to die without me"_

"_Griflet" he whispered sadly into the night while pulling my head towards his chest to comfort, I think, both of us._

"_I cannot wait for you"_

_My eyes hardened at his words and I clung to him desperately. I would make him wait for me. We had never been apart, as soon as I was born, Grifith was there to join me. "You cannot die without me" I told him firmly. "I will die before you, then you shall have to find me." _

_No more was said. We both felt the truth of my words in the depths of our souls, but at that time we didn't know what it meant. __At that time, I think, we were both more than a little scared._

* * *

We stared in disdain at the fortress before us. None of us liked messing with politics, save possibly Arthur and maybe Elyan but we had left him injured at the fort with two more of our brothers, Gareth and Dagonet. Too bad this had everything to do with politics and very little to do with actually rescuing the noble's daughter that had been kidnaped. We all knew this, but none of us said anything, it wouldn't matter if we had. We still had to 'rescue' the 'kidnaped' lady.

Regrettably there wasn't really a way in. Tristan had looked, Agravain had looked, I had looked and Galahad had looked. It was guarded well enough that there was no way in save the gates we were currently staring at.

Tristan and Agravain had reported this to our commander, Arthur, and now he too was staring, along with Gawain, Sagramore, and Lancelot who had come with him.

I'm sure he was wondering, along with us, how in his hell we were going to get in there, unnoticed, then get back out, unscathed, with baggage.

"We need a plan" Lancelot grumbled, highly put out with this mission not being as easy as first thought.

"Really.." I ground out in irritation Apparently it was Lancelot's turn to state the obvious today.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Galahad grin, clearly happy that he, for once, wasn't on the other end of my sarcasm.

"Don't even start" Came Arthur's annoyed voice, his obvious frustration at the situation showing in it.

He knew me too well and sometimes, like now, I got the impression he felt like he was babysitting children. A grin slid across my face before I returned my attentions to the fortress.

Now how were we going to get in?

"Hey look!" Galahad pointed, excitedly, at three women that were now congregating around the front gate, giggling.

My heart sank. I knew what those women were.

"Whores" Lancelot breathed, once again pointing out the obvious.

"Maybe you could get them to help" Gawain told the darker knight cheerfully. That boy was way too happy about this. Agravain, Tristan, and Sagramore all growled their disapproval while I snorted at the ridiculousness of the notion.

Lancelot, however, had a smirk spread across his face.

We all groaned. When he got that look it only meant trouble for the rest of us.

"You know" he started "I might be able to.."

"No" Arthur, thankfully, cut him off. There would be none of that, thank you.

"Well now what" Galahad sighed dejectedly, throwing himself unceremoniously to the ground to lean against the stone wall we were crowded behind.

My eyes, however, were still fastened to the gate that the women had just disappeared through. That really could be our way in if we needed it to be.

"What are you thinking, Griflet?" Sagramore whispered gruffly from beside me. He always was one to pick up on things. Unfortunately, those things included when I was plotting something and generally resulted in him trying to dissuade me. Though, in my case right now, I think I could use the dissuading.

I turned my head to look at him pointedly, only to receive a blank stare and a slow blink of eyes. He was never unsettled when I wanted him to be.

"I doubt Galahad's willing to shave his beard and wear a dress, even for you" came Tristan's voice from the other side of the blonde I was staring at.

"What!?!" The boy in question nearly shrieked before I nudged him, without looking, into Agravain who covered his mouth with a hand and glared at him.

"You know Galahad's the only one pretty enough to pull it off" came Gawain as he took control of his friend from Agravain while warily eyeing the other man. It wasn't that he didn't trust him, Agravain just got a little jumpy when discovery and maybe capture was possible. Though, no one blamed him. Agravain had seen enough of captivity to last every one of us the rest of our lives and more. Often times I wondered if the man wouldn't cut his brother's throat just to keep them quiet and himself out of chains. He had come back to us unstable enough that sometimes I believed he would.

I sighed, turning back to the gates as a plan slowly formed in my mind with more reluctance that I would like to admit. This would be the death of me, I was sure.

* * *

_A racking cough hit my brother as I entered the ger. Unless it was my imagination, he might be getting worse. He would never make the journey when the Romans came for him._

_In that moment I knew he would not go. __I would not let him. _

_My father did not approve. He told me what would happen to a woman in the midst of Roman warriors. __Words like rape and torture and death were no stranger to me and I would not fear them._

"_Then I will not be a woman" I said to him, taking my knife and sheering my hair to the length of my brother's. My father did not argue after that and my mother said nothing from the start. She knew I would not see Grifith die and only handed me his tunic in silent acceptance. _

_My father may have once been the soldier but my mother understood fighting more than he ever could. __She came to me once I had dressed myself as my brother and hugged me. Then she was gone and I was left with her mother's sword and the tears that had fallen for me out of both pride and worry. _

_I was a boy now, and I knew no one would question it for some time. _

_When we were younger, Grifith, and I had traded places as a joke. He was me and I was him. No one had questioned us then either. Even at twelve we still looked enough alike that no one would notice until I was gone and Grifith was found. _

_It would be too late and that's what I wanted. __They would not come after me when I was gone. _

* * *

How I had stayed hidden for nine years I don't think I'll ever know, though, I suspect it's because no one looked past the picture I presented them. You catch a glimpse of something you _know_ isn't true and you look past it, forget it. I forgot it too some days, I was just one of the guys, and let myself believe it. No one ever looked farther than what I presented them with. I think that is what saved me.

Saved for nine years and now I was thinking of condemning myself just to help my brothers. It was at that moment that I wished I didn't love them so much.

"Griflet?" Sagramore's harsh whisper broke me out of my contemplation. "You have an idea." It wasn't a question and I knew it. He knew when I was planning.

"I don't like it" I finally told him after a moment longer of silence. There were some things that they didn't need to know about me and the only thing I could think of would ruin that. My secrets were meant to be kept, and I didn't know if I could keep them to myself any longer.

"Then we'll look for another first" he told me solemnly and I knew I was saved for the moment.

* * *

Note: In case you're wondering those round tents you see at the beginning of the film are called gers in Mongolian. Since I'm not quite sure what the Sarmatians would have called them I'm going with the mongolian instead of the slang term yurt.


End file.
